If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.

We must not suppose that, because a man is a rational animal, he will, therefore, always act rationally; or, because he has such or such a predominant passion, that he will act invariably and consequentially in pursuit of it. No, we are complicated machines; and though we have one main spring that gives motion to the whole, we have an infinity of little wheels, which, in their turns, retard, precipitate, and sometime stop that motion.

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.