If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

We must not suppose that, because a man is a rational animal, he will, therefore, always act rationally; or, because he has such or such a predominant passion, that he will act invariably and consequentially in pursuit of it. No, we are complicated machines; and though we have one main spring that gives motion to the whole, we have an infinity of little wheels, which, in their turns, retard, precipitate, and sometime stop that motion.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.