If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.

There are some occasions in which a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest; but there is seldom one in which a man should tell all. Great skill is necessary to know how far to go, and where to stop.

Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.