If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do... which sucked a lot.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.

I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.