If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

I drink during every show. I can't remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It's like steroids are for athletes. I'm looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn't have been on stage this long.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.