If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, Im not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.