I have no answers, but every day I wish I could have the same point of view for any 24-hour period. I wish I was in some system where I don't constantly question myself.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!

There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.

Sex is free fun for poor people.