You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, Im not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.

People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?