You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.