I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

The internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!

They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.

The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.