There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.

In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.

You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.

I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.