My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag.

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.

One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.