You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?