What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.

Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience.

I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.

"Close your mouth when you chew." That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.