Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.