Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

If I were money-motivated, I would spread insidious lies that marijuana is dangerous and addictive and leads to dancing with white women, that your children are at risk of riding that freight train straight into hell or an opium den. Then I'd parlay that fear into a chain of overpriced "rehab" centers that can cure them and shake Satan from their souls. But I am not that ambitious. I am a drunk.

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.