I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.

I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.

Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!

The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need to be known anymore than I am. The slight sliver of fame I do have is hard to deal with. If I was actually well-known - I don't even know what to say to people who are at my show when I walk into the venue, much less having waitresses in diners asking for my autograph.