I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

AA makes Scientology look credible.

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.