People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: "What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do?" Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.