People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: "What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do?" Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

It is a great advantage for any man to be able to talk or hear, neither ignorantly nor absurdly, upon any subject; for I have known people, who have not said one word, hear ignorantly and absurdly; it has appeared by their inattentive and unmeaning faces.

Sex is free fun for poor people.

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.