It is a great advantage for any man to be able to talk or hear, neither ignorantly nor absurdly, upon any subject; for I have known people, who have not said one word, hear ignorantly and absurdly; it has appeared by their inattentive and unmeaning faces.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.