You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity.

I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.

I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn't?