You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.

There’s a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?