You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.

People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!"

Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.

"This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.

I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?