You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?

"Close your mouth when you chew." That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.