Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, Im not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.