Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons; if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them.

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

Get the right to marry - and then don't.

My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag.