Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience.

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?