The reputation of generosity is to be purchased pretty cheap; it does not depend so much upon a man's general expense, as it does upon his giving handsomely where it is proper to give at all. A man, for instance, who should give a servant four shillings, would pass for covetous, while he who gave him a crown, would be reckoned generous; so that the difference of those two opposite characters, turns upon one shilling.

Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.