The reputation of generosity is to be purchased pretty cheap; it does not depend so much upon a man's general expense, as it does upon his giving handsomely where it is proper to give at all. A man, for instance, who should give a servant four shillings, would pass for covetous, while he who gave him a crown, would be reckoned generous; so that the difference of those two opposite characters, turns upon one shilling.

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

Sex is free fun for poor people.

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?