Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?

Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need to be known anymore than I am. The slight sliver of fame I do have is hard to deal with. If I was actually well-known - I don't even know what to say to people who are at my show when I walk into the venue, much less having waitresses in diners asking for my autograph.

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.