Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.

he ones that bother me the most are the media saying, "He's like the next Bill Hicks." It's supposed to be complimentary, but then all these Bill Hicks fans show up thinking you're going to be like him, and then go, "You're no Bill Hicks." And I'm like, "I never wanted to try to be like him, I don't think I'm anything like him at all, and now you're mad at me for not being him because a journalist didn't have a better reference."

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.