Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

I have no answers, but every day I wish I could have the same point of view for any 24-hour period. I wish I was in some system where I don't constantly question myself.

Get the right to marry - and then don't.

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.