I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!

I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!