I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.

You're born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that's a law, if you get old you die, that's a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you're born with.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.