Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.

People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!"

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.