I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.