I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.

Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

he ones that bother me the most are the media saying, "He's like the next Bill Hicks." It's supposed to be complimentary, but then all these Bill Hicks fans show up thinking you're going to be like him, and then go, "You're no Bill Hicks." And I'm like, "I never wanted to try to be like him, I don't think I'm anything like him at all, and now you're mad at me for not being him because a journalist didn't have a better reference."

Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.