[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking.

I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.