[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.