[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.