I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig.

I don't like being in the UK for every other reason aside from the show. It's aesthetically uncomfortable to me on almost every level for reasons that might sound petty but I can't get past. The audiences are far more challenging and while I wouldn't say I prefer it, I certainly need it to ward off my inherent laziness.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.