I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.

The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.