Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.

Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience.

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.