Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

The fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that is likely to be found offensive and trying to make it funny‚ but the object is still to make you laugh. Offense is only a calculated risk. It's highly unlikely that a comedian whose only goal was to repulse you would ever make it past an open-mic stage, far less build a long career of touring theatres and television appearances.

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.