I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.

There’s a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.