I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.

When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.

Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things, people start to mimic it on some level. That's why you go back to the guys you loved in the 80s... and it just seems tired now, because it was all foundation.

I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.

You're born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that's a law, if you get old you die, that's a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you're born with.