I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.

Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.