George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular comic and he had short hair, a tie, suit, nightclub guy. Then he said screw it, let his hair grow, just started telling what he thought was the truth. So that's what I'm trying to do.

Living in Hollywood, you can get disconnected from everybody. You can feel like you are the only one.

I don't do one show and wish I was doing something else.

Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.

Trust me, kids - your homework can wait. Don't need to be doing homework while Whose Line is on; skip it!

My cranky cardiologist says I'm destined to die in the kitchen.

We'll never see national shows with 45 shares again.