Violence doesn't solve anything? World War I. World War II. Star Wars. Every Super Bowl. Who says violence doesn't solve anything?

Just because a guy has a shaved head, pierced nipples, and doesn't have sex with women doesn't make him gay. It just makes him down on his luck.

My cranky cardiologist says I'm destined to die in the kitchen.

There's a game called Checkout where there's grocery items and it's how much you think the manufacturer's suggested retail price is and we add up your total, then your total has to be within $2 of the regular total. I don't think I could ever win that game.

There is no such thing as too much fun. People need to know it is O.K. to tell jokes and be happy.

I love Las Vegas. I like that Las Vegas has everything. Everything and anything you want to do, you can do in Las Vegas.

The laughs are honestly bigger, ... They are the kind of unexpected belly laughs you get with your friends during conversation.