The difference between Las Vegas and Atlantic City is the difference between getting conned by a beautiful call girl and getting mugged by a crack head.

In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're Transportation Captains.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular comic and he had short hair, a tie, suit, nightclub guy. Then he said screw it, let his hair grow, just started telling what he thought was the truth. So that's what I'm trying to do.

I always run in the morning on an empty stomach, and I'll go through a bottle and a half of water. Then I have a protein drink or I eat egg whites.

I tried out for 'Jeopardy' once, when they came to Cleveland, but I didn't make it.

I used to go to the library all the time when I was kid. As a teenager, I got a book on how to write jokes at the library, and that, in turn, launched my comedy career.