I learned how to believe in myself. Learned how to set goals, you know, self help books man. I just read every single one I can get a hold of, and I still do.

Oh, and once, when I was in the Marines, I got a perfect score on my physical fitness test.

There's nothing like the energy in a small comedy club room or a small theater when it's going really well. I can see everybody's face practically in the whole room. There's no cameras in the way, and it's just me.

My cranky cardiologist says I'm destined to die in the kitchen.

The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time.

Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there.

And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get.