The Marines was a fresh start - that is why they shave your head. I wish they would let you change your name.

Trust me, kids - your homework can wait. Don't need to be doing homework while Whose Line is on; skip it!

Just because a guy has a shaved head, pierced nipples, and doesn't have sex with women doesn't make him gay. It just makes him down on his luck.

I don't think there's hardly a comic out there that does clean material all the way around. There's a couple of guys that are clean, but I'm not one of them.

When I thought I was retired, I wanted to travel around the world and watch soccer games.

Every election I have to hold my nose to vote.

The hardest diet I was ever on was the one when I was fat. You can only wear fat clothes, you don't feel good, your sex life gets damaged, you don't have energy for anything. It's horrible.