I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.

The first Monopoly game I played with my brothers, I hated losing so much, I just had to beat them.

Just because a guy has a shaved head, pierced nipples, and doesn't have sex with women doesn't make him gay. It just makes him down on his luck.

Why is everybody afraid of going to Heaven? You want to be here with the smog and the sin and bad people and the war? Or do you want to be in Heaven, sitting next to Jesus, you know?

Reality shows always look for the worst people.

Like I said, all comedy is based on exaggeration, big or small, whatever you can get away with.

I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.