Isn't it amazing that the Germans call their city halls 'rat houses'? That's what we should call our city halls!

My cranky cardiologist says I'm destined to die in the kitchen.

I have a position of indirect respect and oblique power.

Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there.

Nothing's funny about someone who's successful.

One day I was running around playing with my son Connor when afterwards I was sweating, tired and out of breath. I was embarrassed that something as enjoyable as playing with my son was so tough for me to do. Immediately I started an extensive diet and exercise plan. It completely changed my life and helped cure my Type-2 diabetes.

I just try to get people to laugh - I'm not trying to change the world or anything.