Eating crappy food isn't a reward -- it's a punishment.

Who ever thought that the world-famous Captain Obvious was really mild-mannered Colin Mochrie?

I used to go to the Cleveland Comedy Club all the time. If there was a comic I liked, I'd go see him two or three times that week. Bob Saget was one of those guys.

The hardest diet I was ever on was the one when I was fat. You can only wear fat clothes, you don't feel good, your sex life gets damaged, you don't have energy for anything. It's horrible.

We'll never see national shows with 45 shares again.

Boy, a drive-through liquor store. God bless America! A place where you can drive through and buy whiskey, beer... just the thing for that drunk driver who's constantly on the go. Cant stop now! I've got places to go, people to hit!

I'm never afraid to die. I think that's the best thing that can happen to somebody is they get to move on and do something better.