I moved from Cleveland to L.A. with a girlfriend, we broke up, and I lived out of my car for a year and a half, on the road with nothing on my mind but getting my act good enough to be on 'The Tonight Show.'

Isn't it amazing that the Germans call their city halls 'rat houses'? That's what we should call our city halls!

The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.

I'd buy joke books and try doing them at school; I always had jokes. That would be my go-to thing at parties: I'd be able to get through them if I just told enough jokes. Otherwise, I wouldn't end up talking to anybody.

Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better.