What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.

‎What's the weather like? ... It's fierce mild!

I'm delighted to make as many people feel ashamed as possible. There's probably a site like that for everybody. I've heard Newt Gingrich has his own as well.

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

I'd be hard-pressed to think of anybody who's made me laugh, who's funny, but who's also relentlessly positive.

I have to say, as much I am respectful of people's faith and the idea of it being necessary for them, but when it comes to the Catholic church as an organization I don't have one scintilla of compassion, understanding, anything. I just think they're the most heinous, corrupt, separatingly vile organization that's ever been on the planet.

Tequila? It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.