I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.

You can't please everyone, nor should you seek to, because then you won't please anyone, least of all yourself.

You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.

You're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical time now for Germany within Europe, also globally, economically ve are pretty good, ve have been better. But ve are very vibrant in the theater and arts...' and all the time you'll be listening to this, you're thinking Mmm, yeah, mmm... Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?