When a man diets, he eats oatmeal in addition to everything else he usually eats.

Don't take up a man's time talking about the smartness of your children; he wants to talk to you about the smartness of his children.

If you go to church, and like the singing better than the preaching, that's not orthodox.

No wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book.

There is nothing so well known as that we should not expect something for nothing - but we all do and call it Hope.

I have long been disposed to judge men by their average. If it is reasonably high, I am charitable with faults that look pretty black.

I express many absurd opinions. But I am not the first man to do it; American freedom consists largely in talking nonsense.