If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.

When you can't do anything else to a boy, you can make him wash his face.

A loafer never works except when there is a fire; then he will carry out more furniture than anybody.

Loving everybody is polygamy. I care for no friend who loves his enemy equally well.

In thousands of years there has been no advance in public morals, in philosophy, in religion or in politics, but the advance in business has been the greatest miracle the world has ever known.

I try to have no plans the failure of which would greatly annoy me. Half the unhappiness in the world is due to the failure of plans which were never reasonable, and often impossible.

To be an ideal guest, stay at home.