A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Women's liberation will not be achieved until a woman can become paunchy and bald and still think she's attractive to the opposite sex.

There's only one kind of tax that would please everybody - one that nobody but the other guy has to pay.

You may not be able to read a doctor's handwriting and prescription, but you'll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.

Saying 'Gesundheit' doesn't really help the common cold - but its about as good as anything the doctors have come up with.

Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.