I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees putting on make-up when you're up there!

I'm into humanity. I don't believe in God, but I believe in human beings.

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, Is that Rod Stewart in first class?

In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.

How to survive boarding school. Do not express emotion, do not feel emotion, do not have emotion. If someone hits you, hit them back, if someone argues with you, argue back, never give in an inch, never look vulnerable and you will survive.

You have the American dream! The dream is to be born in a gutter and grow up, and then get all the money in the world and stick it in your ears and go THBBBBBT.

Never put a sock in a toaster.