You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, "Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!" 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, "Interesting words ... have you finished?" While you're shouting all this to your cat, your dog's next to you, going ... [mimes obeying all commands] "What the hell are you doing? I'm talking to the cat!" "Oh, I'm sorry!"

It's not a bloody piano, it's a clarenARt...you weird talking person.

Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both ... different. In spelling.

If you can be your own force of nature and have a positive heart, then you can actually do something good in the world.

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!

If there were a god, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off?