I remember when I was being told about Watergate, and I thought, "Oh, America is not what I think America is." But America is what I think it is. It's just that it's two bits of it, and I don't go with the Republican bit of it. I go more with the Democratic bit.

If you're trying to get a bit of attention, you can smash up your hotel room or spend all your time going to openings or doing the gossip column thing. I just decided to do gigs in French, German, Spanish, and in America.

Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.

My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.

San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.

Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. 'In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran.'

You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!