You have the American dream! The dream is to be born in a gutter and grow up, and then get all the money in the world and stick it in your ears and go THBBBBBT.

Poetry is very similar to music, only less notes and more words.

The bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of drama is to be truthful. You can be truthful and funny, but if you're not truthful in a drama than the audience leaves you.

That's no good, I can't steal from the fairly well off and give to the moderately impoverished! That's not gonna swing, is it?

When I was seven, I said, "I want to act." When I was 10, I realized that films exist, and I wanted to be in them. Not a comedian, I wanted to be a dramatic actor. Films just seemed such fun, and like such a great thing to do.

If there were a god, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off?

We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about?