As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.

Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin, The Frontier, The Hacienda, The Stardust - all were imploded.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers.

I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.