Elayne Boosler Quotes

I love my parents and they're wonderful people, but they were strict, and I still look for ways to get even. When I got my own apartment for the very first time and they came to stay with me for the weekend, I made them stay in separate bedrooms.

While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips.

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.

Why isn't the movie industry forced to open its shooting locations to an organization that is there to advocate for animal actors? The industry isn't allowed to pick and choose which movies using young children it will or won't allow to be monitored. The vulnerable should be protected.

I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'

I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble.

As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.

You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.

We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture.

Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help.

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

I've never been able to write for stand-up.

Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin, The Frontier, The Hacienda, The Stardust - all were imploded.

Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't even have a word for 'male bimbo.' Except maybe 'senator.

Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full.

Citizens are all equal in politics: we each have one vote.

Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards.

My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning.

I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.'

I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.

I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.

I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women.

There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out.

You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.

I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement, the desire for better, is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naïve hope.

The message of great art is to disturb.

I can tell by your eye shadow, you're from Brooklyn, right? . . . Me too. My mother has plastic covers on all the furniture. Even the poodle. Looked like a barking hassock walking down the street.

People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do math.

Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down there.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?

Horse racing is waning in popularity.

When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star.

What do hookers do on their nights off, type?

I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

As for being a voice in politics, I feel whether you are famous or not, busy or not, it's incumbent upon every citizen to participate in this government in any way we can.