Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.'

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?