For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.

You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?

Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something.

I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.