For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.

There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.

I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.

I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.

I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards.