For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.

What do hookers do on their nights off, type?

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?

Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.