For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.

Citizens are all equal in politics: we each have one vote.

I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'

I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble.

There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.

Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper.

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.