I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.

Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?

I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out.

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.

People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do math.

When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?